Babies on Planes

*my son was born
*we didn't name him Ira
*it was even better than a really good haircut
*sometimes he smells like a caged elephant and others like a new car but i don't mind
*he looks nothing like Rodney Dangerfield
*his mom was amazing but i'd still like to see her handle a kidney stone
*he peed on me and I just stood there. I will get revenge later
*when i see his face i cant help but smile except when it's 3am
*did i mention his mom is amazing
*i want 2 get a vasectomy (it might have 2 be in a back alley cause Tracy is against the idea)
*he recieved lot's of great gifts but was dissapointed he didn't get a flat screen TV or a pool table.
*he's stuck with me for a dad.
*his sister likes to play with his toys and sometimes she kisses his feet before bed
*i once punched a man in the face for speaking ill of Diane Sawyer
*he has blue eyes just like the man in the liquor store and Frank Sinatra but I'm his dad
*his mom just got home with the kids
*i'm gonna hide in the wine cellar
*oh shit we don't have a wine cellar
*note to self (get a wine cellar)
*i'm one lucky bastard.

Baby #2

I told my pregnant wife that I won't shave until she delivers this baby. So, that means if this doesn't happen in a week I will look like Jesus, only I have better abs (just kidding,Jesus, we have equally good abs) It's like being famished and at a really good restaurant; your order has been placed, but where the hell is the waitress with your food? Did you know that eating eggplant parmigiana can possibly induce labor? So can driving on a bumpy road. Tonight I drove down a powdery cliff while spoon feeding my wife eggplant which she washed down with castor oil and balsalmic vinegar and still nothing. She is now vacumming the carpet while galloping like a horse. There is R rated stuff you can do as well, but my wife can barely get up from a chair without assistance and she thinks she looks like Kirstie Alley after she ate Jenny Craig/ Refrigerator Perry (I think she looks beautiful) but my opinion only matters when it comes to purchasing household appliances. In the meantime, we have decided after much deliberation not to name our son the following names-Norman, Buford, Reginald, Domino, Survey, Hopscotch, Kenyata, Tre-table, Conrad, Jorge or Yoko Jr. (Sorry Grandma I know you had your heart set on Kenyata.)My wife has gotten a burst of energy and is now cleaning the bathroom, tonight might be the night after all. Earlier in the evening she tried fixing the hole in the roof and I was left with claw marks across my face trying to restrain her. Our first child was born late on a Sunday following a come from behind Giants' victory that helped propel their Super Bowl Run. I remember waiting with her and watching a marathon of the failed Snoop Dog reality show "Father Hood." I can't remember the doctor's name or the time the baby was delivered, but I do remember that Snoop's favorite place to eat was Roscoe's House of Chichicken and Waffles (what kind of Dad am I?). I recall beforehand believing that I'd be holding her hand and damping her sweaty forehead with a cold compress while encouraging her to push, but instead I ended up holding her leg for close to an hour and witnessing a scene straight from the movie Saw. Don't look down! Don't ever look down!... That's my advice for the father to be. That evening was a total blessing, we had some scary moments, but it was unforgettable and it ended with the greatest gift a man could ever ask for. So whether it's tonight or next Friday i'm pumped and suddenly overcome with the desire to eat some chicken and waffles.

(Thanks for all the people who have told me they enjoy reading this blog if it wasn't for you i'd have quit by now and taken up crocheting)

The Piggyback Counselor: Is it Friday yet?

The Piggyback Counselor: Is it Friday yet?: "Did you ever wonder what a rock dipped in chocolate tasted like? Have you ever had the urge to start a fire using a wad of gum and some ligh..."

Is it Friday yet?

Did you ever wonder what a rock dipped in chocolate tasted like? Have you ever had the urge to start a fire using a wad of gum and some lighter fluid? Do you often dream about dancing on a dewy meadow or on Burt Reynolds chest? Have you ever found yourself humming the Romanian National Anthem on your way to what you believe is work, but turns out to be an airport? Do images of swans the size of footballs pillaging underwater vegetation rattle through your mind at night? Does the idea of mountain climbing in the Ozarks with nothing but some rope, a stapler and Nell Carter sound like a great Saturday to you? Ever played a game of Rocks, Paper, Scissors without an opponent? Are you afraid that if you don't eat 3 pieces of celery at three o'clock every 3 days that you will catch Malaria? When you close your eyes do you ever see a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup juggling a dozen oranges? How about when your eyes are open?
-If you answered yes to one or more of these questions than you might want to talk with a mental health professional or a really good bank teller. Being a mental health professional and not a bank teller, I hear some outlandish stuff on a semi daily basis, but most of it's from my co-workers(kidding). People have asked me, "how I can work in the type of environment I work in or work with the kind of people I work with?" And although my response isn't very profound, "I just can or I've grown accustomed/adapted to it." It's the truth. I see the people I work with as individuals that were stricken with illnesses and I can empathize. Is it sad and depressing (at times) stressful (you bet), but it can also be extremely rewarding and it gives me the ability to enrich another life. I've been doing this sort of work for going on nine years and unless my sock puppet theatre takes off or I get the job at the pretzel factory (cross your fingers) I'll make it to ten.

breakfast candy

Currently Listening To
A) Ottoman by Vampire Weekend
B) Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons
C) Moonlight Mile by The Rolling Stones
D) This Time Tomorrow by The Kinks
E) Us by Regina Spektor
F) The sounds of sniffles and coughs coming from my sick daughter who I'm taking care of on MLK day. There isn't a more helpless feeling than watching your normally bubbly and energetic child morph into a ball of buggers and sobs-my heart aches for her and I wish i was the sick one. Thankfully her fever has broke and she's improving. She's opposed to medicine (she might be a Scientologist) but I got her to take one of those melt away Tylenol tablets by telling her it's "breakfast candy" and even took one myself. Once she realized she had been duped she gave me a dagger look and told me " I will never trust u again and just for that I'm getting my tongue pierced and will go to bar tending school.". My wife and I try mixing the medicine in her drink but she seems to figure it out and insists on her cups being "washed." She told us that "medicine is for babies, and all she needed was a Toy Story band-aid." Alas there wont be any piggyback rides today just countless nose blowing and fluid pushing.
                        10 things I was hoping to accomplish today but probably wont
10) Choreograph a killer synchronized swimming routine for my upcoming lesson.
9) Learn to speak Portuguese
8) Have a meet and greet with Dick Clark
7) Write a stern letter to the makers of the Capri Sun juice drink urging an easier straw system
6) Milk a cow
5) Yell at a random stranger for invading my personal space and than humbly apologize
4) Discover a new species of dinosaur or perhaps a new planet, either way I will name it Sid.
3) Go threw a car wash on my skateboard
2) Finally read War and Peace
1) Rescue another Kitten from a tree

Dancing Cures The Pain

Currently Listening To
A) Zebra by Beach House
B) Nowhere Man by The Beatles
C) Spit on a Stranger by Pavement
D) Pale Blue Eyes by Lou Reed
E) Time To Pretend by MGMT
F) The odd sounds of a quiet house because my wife has taken my daughter to the doctor, car-wash, bookstore, OTB (off track betting) a tour of Camden, to see the movie Black Swan, bow-hunting for elk and possibly a bite to eat at the local crab shack if they don't bag any elk. (truth be told my daughter only eats a handful of foods.) What she eats- French fries, Chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, buttered pasta,  pancakes, dry cereal, yogurt, string cheese, peanut butter or plain crackers and Foie Gras. She eats a myriad number of snacks and drinks the normal kid drinks (cosmopolitans) but she doesn't eat pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, peanut butter and jelly (weird I know and if u have any suggestions my ears are open) and by the way I know when my wife comes home she will have purchased something. She's not a big spender and doesn't purchase foolish or totally unnecessary items (unless you count the 6 foot statue of Gandhi that rests in our garage) but she never comes home empty handed. One day I came home with an autographed Joe DiMaggio's batting glove and she punched me in the ear (jk)

(questions)
Dear Piggyback Counselor- What was the most embarrassing thing that happened in your life? sincerely, avid reader.
Response- Truth be told I was walking in Penn Station on my way home from my sister's place in Boston, with my head down and not to sure where i was going  when i totally walked into a blind man, with one of those walking sticks. The sad part is he believed it was his fault (naturally) and apologized. I was so taken aback by both the irony and the gravity of the situation that I never told him it was my fault and I truly regret that.

Dear Piggyback Counselor- How long have you been married and how did you meet your wife? sincerely Boutros Boutros Ghali (former United Nations Secretary)
Response- Well Boutros first I'd like to thank you for reading I'm sure you're a busy man so I'll give you a quick answer. We met at a bar in New Jersey. I would go out every Friday with my Russian buddy Oleg and his comrades. The place was a total sausage fest and we were sitting at a table, It was a boring and bleak evening I was wearing a country western shirt that i had bought at a thrift shop. I was not clean shaven nor optimistic that I would meet anyone of interest. It had been almost a year since a bad breakup with my previous girlfriend. My wife approached the table with 2 other women and a rather rotund man/circus freak. Of course the circus freak sat next to me and my future wife sat next to the human refrigerator/circus freak. She caught my attention with her rather nice looks but i was to sober and shy to say anything to her. I overheard her mention that she was attending Rowan University ( a school that i had recently graduated from) Upon hearing this I extended my arm (remember she was sitting next to an elephant of a man so i really had to extend my arm and tapped her on her shoulder. I asked her what her major was with the premise that no matter what she said I would say that I to had been that major. (anybody that knows me well will tell you I'm  a real good liar/fibber/storyteller). Luckily she said she was an English major, now I had majored in Communications (big waste) but had taken a few English courses and compared to most people I'm pretty well read. We talked about books, Shakespeare and classes, I lied about certain professors she asked me about (somewhat convincingly i guess) Than the song Blackbird by the Beatles started playing and we talked about the boys from Liverpool, discussing our favorite albums and songs. I protected her from a very drunk and horny lad who was sitting at our table and celebrating his 21st birthday who was awfully infatuated with her as well. Whatever I said to her worked because she insisted on buying me a beer and a year and a half later we were married ( I came clean about not being an English major and she wasn't to upset) We have been married six years. Good question Boutros.

Dear Piggyback Counselor- What was your most successful pick up line you have used during your single days? Sincerely your Dad.
Response- Kind of concerned why you would ask me that dad? are you and mom doing okay? Honestly the unsuccessful one's are more bountiful and amusing. I once asked a girl- How much money would/ if any, would it take her to get an Osama Bin Laden tattoo on her shoulder. It was meant to be a thought provoking question about what people will do for money but the year was 2001 not to long after the horrific events of 9/11 and she was more of a Jersey shore girl than a thought provoking question girl and all I got in return was a scared and quizzical look ( At least it gave my buddies a good laugh). I once asked a girl at a frat party, what her favorite dinosaur was? (i like and pride myself on being original, that might be why spent a lot of my years single) When I was desperate and inebriated I would tell girls at frat parties that I had just found out that my pet bird Luscious, who I was extremely close to had passed away that morning and would they dance with me to help numb the pain. ( I never had a pet bird ) but dancing cures the pain

my name is not Forest Whitaker

1/14/11

Currently Listening to
A) Thirteen by Big Star
B) Debaser by The Pixies
C) Rebellion by Arcade Fire
D) Karma Police by Radiohead
E) Dancing on the ceiling by Lionel Ritchie
F) I don't want to go night night by my three year old daughter
The answer is F and my three year old daughter is not the name of a cool new hipster indi band out of Boise, Idaho it's a living, breathing and at the moment screaming little girl in the living room. How did things get this way? just 30 minutes ago we were playing hide and seek and just 15 minutes ago we were building a "tower of power" out of blocks and things got this way because.... 3 year olds don't like it when you say "we're only going to play with one toy at a time." and "those pajamas are dirty." "it's time to go night-night." "it's mommy and daddy TV time." "knives are dangerous." "Lyndon Johnson was not impeached, it was Andrew Johnson." "I don't care if you think ketchup and cookies go together it's revolting." I named this blog the Piggyback Counselor because I'm a dad that gives safe but enjoyable piggyback rides and during the week i work as a counselor and somebody stole my idea to cook a different Julia Child recipe every night and write about how it goes.
Other blog names I was considering were
1) I got Peanut Butter in my hair again
2) Your only overweight from your ankles up
3) Who doesn't like Bea Arthur
4) My heart is wheelchair accessible (runner-up)
5) If you take my wallet I'll take your poster of the movie Police Academy starring Steve Gutenberg
6) Who eats waffles at a Chinese buffet
7) My poop looks like a Ferris wheel
8) Tuesday's with a fella convicted not guilty by reasons of insanity
9) The scar on my knee I got from sliding on a carpet
10) What's funnier than a monkey in a diaper
So I decided on the piggyback counselor (feel free to give me feedback on if you liked the above names better) and what you may ask happened to the crying 3 yr old in the living room? well she's upstairs in her bed dreaming about unicorns and rainbows just like a young and old Micheal Jackson did. And because I'm such a quality husband/dad/counselor and moonshine distributor I knew if i removed myself from the situation and started a blog, by the time i was through the situation would work itself out. (It doesn't hurt that I type 9 words per minute) Now I will go downstairs to thank my very pregnant wife and give her a much needed foot rub, while she eats a bucket of ribs and watches What Not To Wear. I might not be Forest Whitaker but who is?